4 bags of Cytoxan intravenously = $ très expensive
4 bags of Taxotere intravenously = $ très, très expensive
Never going back to Chemo = Priceless
Last Wednesday Dr. Peacock served up my last helping of chemotherapy. Can you believe it? Did it fly by for you? (I’ve heard that from a lot of you.) Well, truthfully, the last 12 weeks did not fly by for me. From my perspective, I’d have to say with all the nausea, sleeplessness, hairlessness, anxiety, and so on, August to December has passed pretty slowly. I guess it’s sort of similar to how my kids feel like Christmas is SOOOO far away, but I feel like it is tomorrow and I will never get it all done. You can relate, right? The flip side of time passing slowly, though, is that I’ve had a chance to really absorb the outpouring of love, concern, thoughtfulness and generosity from so many people.
So the truth is, it’s not over. There is that little surgery in February and the matter of re-growth of hair, working out, and getting healthy. And five years of the dream drug Tamoxifen. (The side effects are not that dreamy, but the effect on the rampant estrogen in my body is.) And so the rest of my life begins. You will not hear me complain. Well, some of you will, but not about being able to be here for what lies ahead.
This last treatment has been the hardest. I am still trying to shake the nausea six days out. I am worn out by noon and generally grumpy. (My family concurs.) Perhaps some of this is the result of the anti-climactic experience of reaching a goal that you have been completely focused on. I am thrilled chemo is over, but now the hard work begins emotionally. How to work this experience and new-found understanding of the fragility of health into my life? I am not at all a different person, but my life experience is vastly different now.
I have laughed with some of my friends about being told early on by several people that fighting breast cancer is “such an opportunity.” Well....an opportunity is something you look forward to and seize. This cancer is not really the one I was looking for. As it turns out, cancer, for me, is really more of a wake-up call. A wake-up call to consider who I am, who God wants me to be, and what is important in life. Other people get their wake-up calls through a death, betrayal, or loss. I’ve gotten mine from cancer.
Like many people who’ve had life changing experiences, this cancer is, I’m sure, one of those watershed events in my life that will shape my priorities, my attitude and and outlook. While I continue to pray for no more “opportunities” like breast cancer, I do pray for opportunities that will present themselves as a result of my breast cancer. I pray that this experience will shape my future and improve my clarity and focus. I pray for an outlook and attitude that brings joy to my life and to the lives of those I love and those I serve.
You know I love to plan, and I have plans for the next few months that make me really happy. I look forward to many trips and celebrations with friends and family of the long cancer-free life I have ahead of me. I am grateful I don’t have to rush back to full-time work and I intend to take full advantage of that huge gift. Tis the season to be jolly and tis the season to give gifts. I have received more gifts this year than I will ever be able to give. I remain humbled and thankful on a daily basis.
p.s. A quick note about the picture. This is our Christmas tree. This is our second Christmas tree. My sweet husband who has worked six days a week and ten hours a day since April, went out and got a tree on Sunday. After he put it up, much to his dismay I deemed it unacceptable and half-dead. Without (too much of) a grumble, he took it out and got me another one on Monday. Maybe cancer is an opportunity .... to get everything you want for a minute or two!
p.p.s. So let me just quickly say that WINE makes an excellent gift for everyone on your list (over the age of 21). The Wine Chap can work in any price range, make wonderful suggestions, wrap it beautifully, and give you a case discount. Just a thought!
Tally Ho-Ho-Ho!
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